Birdie Pee Pee

If our new dog was not so damn cute, I would totally toss her ass in the pound. This dog is driving me up the wall. She tracking mud in the house, days after I steamed cleaned the carpets. She pisses at the drop of a hat. If you say her name to loudly or in the wrong tone. She will dump her bladder right where she stands. She pisses when she's excited, she pisses when she's scared, she pisses when she's mad, and she goes out side and pisses also. I while she's out there she'll find a nice steaming hot turd to bring up on the deck and use for a chew toy. She is nasty. She is half the size of our male dog. She will jump on the male dog's back and screw him like there is no tomorrow. It is hilarious. I'm trying to catch that on video. Anyway, she is driving me nuts....just needed to get that off my chest.

Punctuality!!

Okay, so I've got a case of the ass today. What else is new? Anyway, I got a beef with anyone who cannot mange to be somewhere on time. Specifically, I'm referring to their job. I have always maintained the notion that, the easiest thing that I am going to have to accomplish today, with respect to my job, is getting their on time.....duh. Of all the tasks that I may assigned to perform, or deadlines that are imposed upon me, the simplest of them all is just getting to work on time. Why is that so hard for some people? You know where you live and you know where you work, therefore you should be able to gauge the time and effort required to arrive at your job at the designated time. Is this a complicated concept? Personally, I like to get where I'm going early...especially work. I typically arrive to my office 30 minutes before I am scheduled to be there. This gives me a chance to get prepared for the day and get familiar with what I plan to accomplish today. I know that 30 minutes is a bit early for a lot of people, but it works for me. I leave my house at the same time everyday in order to accomplish this. Pretty complicated huh? The problem with people coming in late, is that they are sending signals to all their coworkers that their morning routine and their personal life is more important than the rules that everyone is trying to operate by. When there is one person in an office that is habitually late, even a few minutes, that is a morale killer. Of course, it may not matter to management if Suzie is 3 minutes late. What's the big deal? The problem is how that looks to the rest of the employees in the office. They bust their asses to be there on time and Suzie shows up late several times a week. That breeds animosity and stifles morale. Steps have to be taken by management to address this type of problem before there is a revolt. One person can upset the entire work-flow of an office by pulling this type of crap. It's happening in my office and it's about to boil over.
Are there going to be times when being late is unavoidable? Of course, there will be days where no matter what you try, you are not going to make it on time. If you have established yourself to your coworkers as the sort that is always on time, then on the rare occasion that you do show up late, everyone is willing to believe your story. They will believe it because it is out of character. You have proven yourself in the past.

Co-workers not working!!

I've been working with this guy for 6 years now. Unfortunately, his performance is getting worse and worse all the time. We are trying to implement new programs and work flows and he is struggling to maintain the workload level from years ago. I consider him a friend of mine, but his lack of competence is straining our releationship. I hate to put the business ahead of our friendship, but he is the one that is making it hard, by not pulling his own weight. He has gone from being a crucial team member to being a boat anchor. It's very frustrating!

Why do people pretend like they didn't just fart?

For example: Let's say your sitting next to someone. Its someone that you know, but you're not necessarily friends. Let's say it's a co-worker and you're at meeting. For whatever reason, you can't move or change seats. Then that person farts. You don't hear it, but you definitely smell it. At first, you figure it was an accident - it slipped out. You give him the benefit of the doubt. You figure, "Hey, he's probably really embarrassed, I'll act like I didn't notice". Then he farts again. Then again. And again. Before you know it, you can barley get a fresh breath in between the stinks. You look over at him, and he's acting like nothing is going on. But you know he's got to smell it. For crying out loud, it's making your eyes water! And he continues to fart. Then fart some more. He's farting so much that you start timing it. "For Christ's sake, he's farted once every 2 minutes for the last 2 hours!" That's 60 farts my friends. You need to say something. This has to stop before you suffocate. As soon as the air begins to clear hear comes another one. Then another. And another. Then you begin to have irrational thoughts (probably due to the lack of oxygen). You start to think, "Oh my god, maybe he just shit himself." It certainly smells like he shit himself. "I'll bet this son of a bitch is wallerin' around in his own shit!" Surely not. But, what if he is. What if this guy really did shit in his pants, during this meeting. How embarrassed he must be. You definitely can't say anything now. What if it was you? What if that taco plate at lunch came back to haunt you, during this meeting? What if you couldn't leave? What if you were forced to shit on yourself? What other choice would you have, but to sit here and act like nothing is wrong. To act you don't smell it. This poor bastard sitting next to you, must be in hell. Hell on earth. So you start to feel sorry for him. You get that familiar lump in your throat, and you even start to tear up a bit. You think to yourself, "I'll never say anything. If I do he'll never live it down. He'll be so mortified that he'll quit. Then it'll be my fault that this poor slob is unemployed. He won't be able to support his family, his wife will leave him for some rich guy, and his teenage daughter will have to wear clothes from Walmart. Why should she have to endure the ridicule of her classmates because I can't keep my big mouth shut? Nope, I'll never say a word" Then, as if by miracle, you get a nice clean fresh breath of air and you start to come to your senses. You begin to rationalize the thought process that you just subjected yourself to. Why would you allow this rudeness to continue? Are you really about to start crying? Are you really going to sit here and feel sorry for this lazy asshole? Hell no! You got to keep it real! You start to get mad. Whatever is going on in his pants should not be affecting your oxygen supply. Why the hell do you have to sit here and breathe his farts? This jackass is grown. He's a grown-ass man! My six year old child can manage to make it to the bathroom without shitting on himself. Why can't he? Regardless of the situation, everyone would rather you take a bathroom break than sit there and shit yourself. How dare you!! How dare you contaminate my air! How dare you act like you didn't do anything! How dare you pretend like you didn't just fart it up in here. I'll be damned if I'm going to inhale even one more fart particle. This guy needs his ass whupped. I should tell everybody. I'll be doing his family a favor. If he's the type of guy that will just sit and marinate in his own filth and stink, then I'm sure they're through with him anyway. So what do I do about it? Should I take him outside and beat his ass? Should I call him out in front of everyone and embarrass him? Should I hurt him physically or just hurt his feelings? I think I'll just acknowledge the issue to his face and threaten him with violence. I don't like confrontation, but I would like to see the look on his face. Here's what I'm going to do. I'll pull him aside after the meeting and tell him, through clenched teeth, with my finger poking a hole in his chest. "I swear to god, if you ever fart around me again, I'll take that Renuzit air freshener off your desk, and I'll RAM it up your fucking ass!!" When he looks at me like I've lost my marbles, I'll tell him: "Don't you look at me like I've lost my marbles? You know damn well that you shit yourself all through that meeting. Let me tell you something....I'm not kidding!! I'll take that air freshener and I'll kick it so far up your ass your breath will smell like a fresh wild flower after a spring rain and your farts will smell like the morning mist of a mountain waterfall. Do you understand me...Bitch!??!" I think that ought to do it. What do you think??